A hostess is making final arrangements for an elaborate reception. “Nora,” she said to her veteran servant, “for the first half-hour I want you to stand at the drawing room door and call the guests’ names as they arrive.”
Nora’s face lit up. “Thank you, ma’am,” she replied. “I’ve been wanting to do that to some of your friends for the last twenty years.”
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On a queue in a bookshop yesterday, Patricia decided to have a bit of a grumble with the women next to her. It was about men not understanding the work involved in Christmas.
All the women agreed and one of them said “The trouble with Christmas is that it only comes once a year, so you don’t have time to train them up.”
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A Jewish grandmother is watching her grandchild playing on the beach when a huge wave comes and takes him out to sea.
She pleads, “Please God, save my only grandson! I beg of you, bring him back.”
And a big wave comes and washes the boy back onto the beach, good as new. She looks up to heaven and says: “He had a hat!”
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A magician calls a man up on stage, hands him a mallet and instructs the guy to hit him as hard as possible on the head.
The magician then proceeds to put his head down on a wooden block.
The man shrugs his shoulders and takes a mighty swing.
Three years later, the magician wakes up from a coma in the hospital and goes…. “Taa-Daa!”
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He said – Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said – That’s a good idea… you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart.
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A man goes to the doctor with a swollen leg. After a careful examination, the doctor gives the man a pill big enough to choke a horse.
“I’ll be right back with some water,” the doctor tells him.
The doctor has been gone a while and the man loses patience. He hobbles out to the drinking fountain, forces the pill down his throat and gobbles down water until the pill clears his throat. He hobbles back into the examining room.
The doctor comes back with a bucket of warm water. “Ok, after the tablet dissolves, soak that leg for at least 30 minutes.”
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A prosecuting attorney just could not believe that a jury had found the defendant not guilty.
Astonished, he asked the jury foreman, “How could you possibly have found this man innocent?”
The foreman replied, “Insanity.”
The perplexed prosecutor asked, “All twelve of you?”
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John and Mary had been going steady for quite a while and to Mary’s delight John finally popped the question. There was the usual excitement of organising everything and when it came to the honeymoon they decided “Wouldn’t it be wonderful to go to Africa and go on safari.”
Well there was so much to do, tickets, passports, injections and of course clothes. They chose and packed and unpacked, changed their minds and it took weeks and weeks to finally get things right. Then at the last minute mother in law decided she wanted to go along too. What had taken John and Mary months to organise, mother in law got done in a week and when they boarded the plane to leave, there was mother in law sitting in the seat on the other side of the plane.
Well they got to darkest Africa and hired porters to take them into the jungle. The first night the porters set up camp for John and Mary in a big clearing and a little way away in a smaller clearing they set up a tent for mother in law.
Next morning when John and Mary finally struggled out of bed they thought they had better go and see how mother in law was. When they arrived at the small clearing there was a mighty altercation in progress. A huge lion was standing in front of mother in law emitting blood curdling roars and there was mother in law standing up to the lion shaking her fist in his face. The roaring and fist shaking went on and on.
John took Mary’s hand and said “Come on, he got himself into that mess, let him get himself out of it!”
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Two campers are walking through the woods when a huge brown bear suddenly appears in the clearing about 50 feet in front of them. The bear sees the campers and begins to head toward them. The first guys drops his backpack, digs out a pair of sneakers, and frantically begins to put them on.
The second guys says, “What are you doing? Sneakers won’t help you outrun that bear.” “I don’t need to outrun the bear,” the first guy says. “I just need to outrun you.”
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A man was walking through the desert had not eaten for days. He came across a church, went in, knelt at the alter and prayed, “Good God give me some food!”
As if by magic a lump of meat dropped at his feet.
Overjoyed he ate the food. He came back every day with the same request, and everyday he was rewarded until one day a hand dropped at his feet.
Puzzled he looked up… There was a leper painting the ceiling.
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